If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
You Might Also Like
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.