Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
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Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?