[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
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[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
This was the best day of my life
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
new career option?
is nasa ok
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.