Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
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I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”