Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
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restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no