Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
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I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee