“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
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I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party