Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
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Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
If you know, you know 😂🚔
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇