My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
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At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
When ur friends with white people
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first