5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
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If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
They must have gotten it to go.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Eggs benadryl my favourite
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.