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Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
The happy life.. 😊
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Why I divorced her.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.