“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
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Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.