The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
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If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Doormats are a gateway rug.