Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
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My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior