I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
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Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I enjoy a good short stor
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.