The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
You Might Also Like
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.