Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
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I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.