It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
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me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers