*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
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a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.