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I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Isn’t
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.