6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
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me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”