[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
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Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
When you pick your nose after dusting the house