My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
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Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.