I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
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“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg