12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
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I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
ㅤ A R G H
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August 8
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
who will stop them
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.