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When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Pigeon open mic night.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic