Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
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Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.