If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
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Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae