It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
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People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.