If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
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Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Just so funny
Real House Wines.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?