How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
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My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
thinking about a very short hotdog
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩