My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
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You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
ok like just. call me at this point
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.