A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
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Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?