Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
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I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Dammit Chief not again
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.