zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
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stand with me against insufficient seating
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
describing stardew valley
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.