I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
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I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.