My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
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overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.