My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
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After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
My life in a nutshell
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.