Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
You Might Also Like
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Not helping
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons