“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
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Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.