My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
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Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
WHY?!
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.