[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
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The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.