“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
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Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?