Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
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You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.