Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
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Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Me, in DM rooms…
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.