Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
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The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”