Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
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My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.