[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
You Might Also Like
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you