Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
This is true.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.