The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
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Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK